Do you have a friend that is completely carefree? Never a stress or a worry. It’s so addictive. I want to be around that, all the time.
Troublemaker? Yes. But what’s life without taking some risks? Sometimes… I think I can’t keep up with that though.
A coworker placed a sticker on my back this week. It was one of those stickies that say “Please sign here” except it said “Please date.” Yes, I was walking around with a sticker on my back that said “Please date.”
My first thought was “Oh NO you didn’t” (denial) and that was quickly followed by “Are we in middle school??” (anger) which was then followed by “Wow, I feel pathetic” (sadness). Have my co-workers passed pity and went straight to bad humor? I’m not ashamed I’m single, but I certainly don’t like being picked on in the workplace. It draws so much attention to my personal life. I wonder if they think I’m too picky. Or if there’s something wrong with me. Or if I’m just plain weird. I realize I think about being single way too much, but I think about it because everyone keeps drawing attention to it! I can certainly control parts of it (I don’t always say yes when asked out) but I can’t control meeting someone I have a connection with (who I want to date.)
Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time my lack of a significant other has been the punchline of a joke. I like to think that I am care-free and can laugh at myself, but I’m not sure if a line has been crossed and how to address the situation without suddenly become the uptight bitch at the office. Haha, yes it’s funny I’m the only single person in the office. Haha, yes I can laugh it off. For now.
Maybe I need to divert the attention a little better. Or maybe I just need to meet someone interesting that I want to date.
Sometimes I’m not as tough as I think I am. Or as tough as I want to be.
Sometimes (very rarely) I cry. And last week, it happened to be in front of my boss. But hold on just one moment, I’m going to explain why it was ok. Let me start off by saying I didn’t intend to cry. And trust me, I tried to fight off each and every tear that came rolling down. But it was unstoppable. I was at a breaking point emotionally, and I needed a good cry. Unfortunately, it was in front of my boss. Please keep in mind that I hate appearing vulnerable. But here’s the scoop – I was overwhelmed with emotions. A lot of “things” are going on in my life and my mind is in a million places. Unfortunately, most of the “things” aren’t good, and I’m constantly trying to avoid and escape them. (If you have been a part of my recent random outings, I thank you for helping me remain relatively sane.)
My boss pulled me aside and told me I acted inappropriately at work the other day when I was asked to complete a task. To be honest, I thought it was another task that gave me more work and made everyone else’s life easier. And considering I had a lot of work on my plate, I wasn’t very excited to make anyone’s life easier. In fact, I was hoping someone could help make mine a little easier. What I had thought was a healthy discussion was apparently a revolt against the senior, and warranted this “discussion.” Looking back, I’m not sure why I started tearing up, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I desperately needed to unload. Explain why I’ve been quiet at work (because I’m afraid I’ll be mean if words come out of my mouth) and more resistant to all the work assigned to me.
Through all this, I learned it’s good to give your team a head’s up about what’s going on in your life, especially when life isn’t peachy. I think I learned through this experience that crying is not the best option. But look at it this way – I learned the lesson the hard way so that you don’t have to. No, I am not endorsing whining in the workplace. I believe people should separate work and life, without bringing life problems to work. However, if your performance is affected, I think something should be said. I don’t think every workplace will be sensitive, supportive, or even cares how you’re doing, but sometimes they can surprise you. It’s worth a try.
This day will go down in history (ok, maybe just the history of my life) as a horrible day. Today, my company started its layoffs. I really thought my company was not going to have any this year, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately, one of my closest work friends was hit, which makes the news even harder to take. I think that once things settle down a little bit, quality of work and attitudes will improve, just because people are afraid they might be next in line.
We also found out today that my aunt’s cancer has spread from her lungs to her brain. The tumor is so large in her brain, it has affected her ability to control her right arm (that’s why a brain scan was ordered). This certainly put things in perspective and made the layoffs seem trivial. I’ve known a family member who’s already succumbed to brain cancer, and it is probably one of the most awful and painful ways to die I have ever heard someone endure. It terrifies me my aunt might have to suffer the same pain. It terrifies me that my family will be strained more and a somber layer just lingers around my family. My aunt is a wonderful person and it makes me angry that she has to suffer any pain.
You know the saying “Whatever the day brings”? I hated what today brought. It certainly didn’t bring anything good.
I was on a jury! I couldn’t believe it. The first time I served jury duty and the stupid random name generator at the courthouse picked my name. I was juror #1. What were the chances.
I wasn’t allowed to talk about the case during the trial. And I wish I had created this blog before we came up with a verdict so I could then post my thought process throughout the trial, but I guess retrospect will have to do.
It was an Attempted Murder Trial. Yes, it was very intense. I really do believe my life has changed because of this trial. I am not trying to be overly dramatic, I am just trying to tell you the truth. I know it’s a jury of 12 people, and I didn’t make this decision by myself, but I was one of the twelve people that had to determine the fate of a young man, and to determine if he should go to prison (probably for a very long time) because he tried to kill someone. Because it happened close to where I live, and involved young people around my age, it really hit home for me. It made me feel lucky that I didn’t suffer from anything traumatic in my childhood.
Oh! There’s so much to say about this trial. Even the jury selection process bewildered me. I met some incredibly interesting people. People I would never interact with just because my current world is filled with people I meet in college, people I meet from work, family, etc. I don’t like to limit myself to “circles”, but my lifestyle doesn’t really put me in contact with people who don’t share common interests. So these jurors fascinated me. My closest friend (mind you, it was a long trial), was a mom of a 9 year old girl. The jury developed cliques, and I’m not sure why, but people didn’t accept her (or at least people treated her like an outcast). I happened to really like her. I thought she was very sweet and genuine. She lost her fiance 10 years ago because he was murdered by a close range gunshot. Her daughter was the victim of severe bullying and it became so unbearable, she even shaved off her eyebrows. Another juror was a psychologist who has worked with kids from schools that have suffered through school shootings. A potential juror was just on trial herself, because her husband had an incident involving road rage, pulling over, getting into a fist fight with the other driver, the other driver’s wife pulled out a gun and pointed it at the two men fighting, and the potential juror pulled out her own gun and pointed it at the other woman with the gun. Talk about drama! There were 4 jurors who had previous DUI’s. Mind you, I had nothing in common with these people. Only that we were randomly picked to serve on this jury. It was a very interesting experience. Unforgettable.
Perception! Throughout this trial, I wanted to throw things at the Defense Attorney. I was not impressed by his performance. I thought he was incompetent and I cringed every time it was his time to speak. We weren’t allowed to talk to the other jurors about the trial before deliberation, so I went along thinking this guy was stupid and assuming everyone in the room agreed with me. To my amazement, during jury deliberations, one juror praised the defense attorney. He called him “Amazing” and said “If I was ever in trouble, I’d definitely want him to defend me.” He was not being sarcastic. He really believed the defense attorney was the best, and I couldn’t believe how different our analyses were! I also thought, “Oh gosh, these deliberations are going to last forever, and aren’t going to be easy… at all.”
At the end of the trial, as I was walking out, the defendant’s dad came up to me and very quietly said “Thank you.” I’m not sure how to take that, but I know I will never forget that moment. It just stands out.
That’s all that I wanted to say today.
note worthy 